Hey, very nice textures man. HAHA, jk dumbass.
I really hate Grand Theft Auto 4 for the PC
To start, the game comes with more bullshit in terms of DRM then any other game I have ever played. It's a clusterfuck of shitiness.The game doesnt use just one form of DRM like 100% of the
other games out there in the world; it actually use 5 levels of DRM on this god forsaken, peice of shit, overly-hyped game.
Chase: 1, Rockstar: 0.
Can you imagine how the executive meeting went when they were trying to figure out how to put this game on PC?
Well guess no longer. Thanks to extensive research performed by me, I found Rockstar Games' PowerPoint presentation that outlines everything down to the Tee.
(Things in parenthesis are my own comments on the stolen power-point)
Executive Development Meeting
Step-by-step process on how to royally buttfuck our loyal honest customers.
Written by : Producer Douche Bag
Date: 7-26-08
Classification level: Douche Baggingly High Classification Level
1. Deceptively install "Rockstar Games Social Club" by making it look like you're installing GTA4. User agrees, only to find out that what was actually installed was a program that must be running in the background to play GTA4, and is in fact not the actualy game install. (we call this bloatware, FYI, and it usually comes with free, commercial infected shit like AIM)
2. Actually install the game, and spread it out over two discs, and then force the user to insert disc 1 again to complete the install. Oh yes, that was a good one.
3. Force user to activate the game online, if the user can't connect online then the game cannot be played. If they don't have internet at home then fuck them. They obviously bought the game becuase they weren't able to illegally download it from the internet, so we will repeatedly kick them in the balls for not owning Comcast High Speed Internet, because It's Comcastic!(oh ho ho, a rainbow, i see what you're
doing here)
4. Enter the CD key. Failing to enter hyphens results in an incorrect serial key due to a premitive key-authorization program that was written well over 20 years ago.
5. Force user to wait while the game goes online to validate that you aren't in violation of the street-release date. (Completely fucking redundant since the game has been out for over 7 months) Oh yes, we are proud of ourselves for that one.
6. Once it is determined that the game is in fact in the hands of our legitimate customer on or after the release date (gasp!), launch the game. Re-ask customer to validate that they agree with the EULA for the billionth fucking time, we wan't to make sure our customers know we aren't fucking around, then launch Rockstar Games Social Club (I'm trying to make you hate this name, is it working yet?).
7. Proceed to trick customer into thinking that if they want to play GTA4 that they must first
create a user account with Rockstar Games Social Club. Launch default broswer to webpage allowing the gullible idiot to create an account.
8. Show customer all these cool little avatars they can use to create an account to suck them in for the kill, meanwhile our shady little program called Rockstar Games Social Club opens up to this default login screen in the background behind the browser, out of sight, allowing the idiot who just made an account to realize they could have played the game without doing this BS by clicking the skip login button.
9. Launch Game. Rudely reminding the little smartass who didn't create an account with Rockstar Games
Social Club that they did not create an account with Rockstar Games Social Club and therefore cannot sign in to take advantage of stupid shit like being able to capture and upload your own videos that no one is going to watch anyway. This little feature is there just so the user feels like being forced to install Rockstar Games Social Club wasn't a complete fucking waste of the User's time, even though it was.
10. After all this, allow user to make the stupid assumption that they could play the game without the Disc, but inform them that they need the disc to play becuase we are paranoid motherfuckers, and DRM and Rockstar Games Social Club wasn't enough DRM to satisfy us. We want our customers to literally shout in unison across the globe, "Why, Oh Why, Oh Why didn't I just Pirate this stupid piece of shit?"
11. Tell the user what he/she can and cannot do with their computer by using a riduculous weights and balance system to control graphics settings. Want to make your settings high? Too bad dipshit, I don't think your computer is good enough. Obviously high quality textures take up all 512MB of your puny Memory, dumbass. If you want high quality textures you will have to make everything else low. Why? Becuase we fucking can. ( I was able to make it give me what i wanted in exchange for my man hood, a viewing distance of 1 out of 100)
[look at higher quality picture here]
-End Slideshow-
Honestly, this is one of the worst cover-ups in PC gaming history. How this wasn't in the news like it should have been is just amazing. It looks like Rockstar Games have been playing their own game so much that they applied it to the games marketing strategy. Bribing/Extorting the reviewers much?
I feel victimized. Atleast the guy named Joel at the bottom of the page tells it like it really is, unlike those other users who are all failures at life. For those of you who are failures, I have a great website you should read.
Don't buy this bullshit. Boycott it. PC users deserve far better then this.
No, your eyes do not decieve you, the game really looks this bad with everything on high, with texture quality set to medium. Even the "Auto" ratio detection failed, good job dumbfucks at Rockstar Games. (look at minimap in bottom left corner, it is an oval and not a circle)
3 comments:
Zerk, I have to tell you that you hit the nail right on the head. Just like you, I anticipated the release of this game for a very long time. I bought the original game the day it was released in my country and I almost burnt it after suffering with the install. I wasn’t able to create a social club account to play the game either and after searching the net for about a day I eventually found that I am able to create an offline account to start playing.
After playing for a couple of hours I realized how much the game sucked compared to the fun factor of GTA SA. There’s no tank, no ability to fly planes, the bikes never sound like bikes but more like high revving dildo’s, especially the chopper bikes like the Freeway, it sounds like a chopper when you’re idling, but as soon as you start moving it sounds like a dildo again. I read somewhere that planes weren’t introduced because Suckstar wanted the game to be more realistic. The beauty of GTA SA was that you could do almost anything you wanted and you had the space to do it in. I played and finished SA more than once and I probably will again in the future. As for GTA IV, it’s already in the trash.
Thanks for the blog. I hope Suckstar somehow gets the message…
um zerk so your stupid and cant load a game so its all rockstars fault and they suck? WHAT? no, you just DIDNT WANT TO LIKE THE GAME so you used this lame excuse to trash it! if you dont like gameplay thats one thing but not following directions correctly isnt a justifiable reason to bash a company.
If it makes you feel any better, Max Payne 3 doesn't even try to pretend it's optional anymore. Some reviewers have crawled so far up Rockstar's ass they can taste bile, waxing orgasmic over the new social features unveiled. Know the feature I want? The ability to play my fucking game without your dick in my ass.
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